Showing posts with label laughter. Show all posts
Showing posts with label laughter. Show all posts

Monday, May 17, 2010

Miss USA 2010

Last night, millions of viewers across North America tuned in to watch the 2010 Miss USA pageant.  The winner of the pageant would go on to represent the US at the Miss Universe pageant in August, so there is a lot at stake.  The 52 contestants came out on stage dancing to Ke$ha's Tik Tok in sparkly Sherri Hill dresses that were appropriate, considering the locale of the pageant.  The event was held in the Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino in Las Vegas.

The event was hosted by a "Marriage Ref" host (who was she???) and Curtis Stone.  Half the production consisted of former Apprentice contestants, which was expected because of the Donald Trump connection.  But seriously, when Trace Adkins came out to perform a song during the elegant evening gown competition, the soundtrack couldn't have been more out of place and inappropriate.  Miss USA is not a high school dance in Kentucky.

Joan Rivers and her daughter, Melissa offered commentary and humour between commercial breaks.  Joan even wore a sash that said "Miss Mayflower" and made quips about beauty and the pageant world.  She didn't hold back though, and even went so far as to describe one contestant's neon green evening gown as, "It looks like it was dripped in Gatorade."  Which to be honest, was the truth.

The fashion of the evening was questionable.  The host wore three heinous dresses, including a floor-length blue number that looked like it was $69.95 from Fairweather, and an olive prom dress that was reminiscent of a bad bridesmaid.  The only fashionable person there was judge, Johnny Weir who wore a dramatic multi-coloured feather jacket and even had an outfit change later in the show.  The girls wore the most repulsive pink and orange bikinis that had an awkward fit.  The tops made chesty girls look droopy, and small girls looked even smaller.  The print was a ghastly tye-die that didn't do justice for anyone's colouring.  Don't even get me started on the evening gowns...
The winner was Rima Fakih, who was the first Muslim to win Miss USA and the first Miss Michigan to win the crown.  It was a bit suprising that she won, considering her trip in the evening gown competition, and lower scores in the swimsuit competition...throughout the show, I was certain either Colorado (who placed 3rd) or Oklahoma (who was the runner-up) would win.  They embodied the grace and elegance of a Miss USA contestant that I felt Fakih lacked.
It was reported that Fakih was a winner of Stripper 101.  You heard that right.  The beauty queen won the competition in 2007 during which photos were taken... and if you're wondering... clothes did come off.  Her prizes included jewelery, adult toys, a stripper pole and some cash that was appropriately stashed down her bra).


So much for a wholesome "American Girl image"... It has me wondering whether her title is in danger, and to be perfectly honest, I think it should be.  This was not a topless lingerie photoshoot to help a struggling model make money, but a blatant display of trash.  It's one thing to take pole dance class as a means to exercise or treat your boyfriend, but to compete in public and expose yourself, when you intend to be a part of an esteemed organization is wrong.  This does not represent the ideal American girl, and shouldn't represent the United States on a world stage at Miss Universe.

The Miss USA organization came under a lot of fire the previous week, when they released their official photoshoot, shot by famed photographer, Fadil Berisha.  The public thought the photos were too racy, because the girls were shot in lingerie.  The photos were black and white, and to be perfectly honest, they were more covered up in men's dress shirts and corsets than if they were posing in bikinis on the beach.

Here are some of my favourite shots.
Miss Oregon, Kate Paul looks like a young Farrah Fawcett.
Miss Wyoming, Claire Schreiner, looks like a sultry mix of Catherine Deneuve, Sophia Loren and Brigitte Bardot.  I'm wondering... where was this beauty in the top 5?
Britanny Bell, Miss Arizona is sensual, and proves that curls are beautiful.

I think Miss USA needs to distinguish between sexy and skanky.  And personally, I think the winner represents the latter. 

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Shutup Ashley.

I love Summer Heights High.  Since the videos of the first and only season began circulating over a year ago, Mr. G and Ja'mie King have been a standby in Youtube entertainment for me.  This DVD extra is a gem.



What I love about Ja'mie is that she is a hilarious satirical version of any popular girl.  The show is set in an Australian public school (Ja'mie being an exchange student from a rich, private school) yet her character transcends into North American culture.  We all know people like Ja'mie... those who will do anything to elevate their image and climb the social ladder.

Throughout the show, we never got an insight as to what Ja'mie King intends to do in the future.  This video explains that, and showcases Chris Lilly's brilliance as a comedian.

"I want to go there, and hang out with starving people, and just take photos of me with them."

This video hits onto the fact that charity work is no longer being carried out from the "goodness of people's hearts" but as a means of becoming popular, famous or a positive role model.

I am so obsessed with this series, I wish they would make a second season.  When the full episodes were posted online (only to be removed by ABC later...) they reached thousands of views, and everyone started to watch the series.  With shows like Glee bringing in large ratings, it would be a shame not to bank on the "high school comedy" genre of television series.  It would give ABC a competitive edge over Fox's runaway hit with Glee.  Maybe Ryan Murphy (producer/writer of Glee) could spice up SHH's Mr. G dance routines with some overly choreographed musical theatre numbers.

A tv addict can only dream...

Scented candles for the Obese.

We've been hearing a lot of buzz about fast-food chains recently.  KFC launched their new sandwhich, where they supplemented the bun with two pieces of deep-fried chicken (because transfat protein is way healthier than carbs right?)  Today, Whitecastle finally unveiled their "hamburger scented candle".

For $10, you can have your very own White Castle Hamburger scented candle, and you don't have to feel guilty, since all the proceeds are going to Autism Speaks. 

I'm all for donating money to a good cause, but is this really the best way to go about this?  Because really, who would buy a hamburger scented candle, other than Harold & Kumar or some guy aiming to romance a fat woman with a fast food addiction. 

"Mmm honey, come into the bedroom; I've lit some candles for you..." 
"Oh... do I smell White Castle?  The aroma of grease and high cholesterol is putting me in the mood for love."

Monday, May 10, 2010

Turn your labia into a Yaybia!



I think this speaks for itself.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Miley Cyrus Can't be Tamed.








Miley Cyrus decided to remind us once again that she isn't 14-year-old Hannah Montana anymore.  





I hate to admit it, but I love this video.  It's sleazy, sexy, guilty-pleasure pop.  The video is well-directed and the styling is beautiful.  Cyrus' outfits are (albeit revealing), very couture.  When she comes out of the cage at the beginning, I noticed the black bands on her arm.  This detail known as the "cage dress" is popping up everywhere on celebrities, and cutouts and cage dresses will definitely update the LBD in the Fall.  I loved the feather bolero she wears, which brings the taxidermy trend to mind as well.  The standout piece however, was the disco ball bodice and peacock feather (wings?).  It was just stunning, and dramatic.  The stylist really amped up Miley's image with this one. 




Can't be Tamed was released yesterday, and is already garnering controversy.  We all remember the scandal two years ago, when photos from Vanity Fair exposed Mileys--back!  People are buzzing about this video, saying she's too young to be this raunchy.  Last time I checked, Miley will be turning 18 this year, and I think any girl can own up to wearing skimpy outfits or gyrating at a dance party.  The only difference is that everyone is watching Cyrus, and watching her grow up at the same time.  I am a natural fan of drama and controversy... I just don't understand why this video is viewed as raunchy.  All I see is a popstar performing her song.  And that is what she does best.  Cyrus is an entertainer and her appeal reaches a wide demographic.  Last summer, everyone, including my mom knew and loved her hit, Party in the USA.  I doubt this song will be as much of a hit as her previous singles, but it is still relatively catchy.


In the song, Cyrus talks about "going through boys like money".  This is quite the accomplishment for someone as young as her.  We can all decide to bash Miley, call her a slut, famewhore, Disneyrobot, whatever you will, but in the end of the day, she is the one dating her gorge co-star, Liam Hemsworth.



The media has deemed this video an "evolution of Miley".  What is she... a Pokemon?  I guess Cyrus has transformed from a Hannah Montana Pokemon to a Caged Bird.  I think this is an outcry from Miley, proving to the public that we are confining her talent (yes, I will admit to thinking Cyrus has talent) and not letting go of her Hannah Montana character.  


If Miley decided to ditch the country kicks and God-awful wig, I'm cool with that...As long as I have a catchy tune to hum in the shower. 

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Very Mary-Kate

Mary-Kate (not to be confused with Ashley) Olsen is a fashion icon.  She can leave her house in a bedsheet and a studded belt, throw some shades on, and some deluded fashion blogger will rave about her "easygoing" style and its brilliance.  We've watched MK grow up from her days on Full House into a socialite and media mogul.  The twins don't seem to be doing much in the entertainment industry, but somehow get the cash to buy all those Balenciaga, Hermes and Mulberry bags.


Very Mary Kate is a new vlog created by Elaine Caroll that spoofs on the life of the celebutard.


Very Mary-Kate: Depressed from Mary-Kate Olsen on Vimeo.

Mary Kate has grown-up problems now.


Very Mary-Kate: Nightmare from Mary-Kate Olsen on Vimeo.

she is a train wreck... i don't really know if the voice is done properly, because I haven't seen either of the Olsen twins speak since one of their movies circa 2000. Mary Kate has grown-up problems now.


Very Mary-Kate: Back to School from Mary-Kate Olsen on Vimeo.

She majors in Ponies, and later on we find out she minors in Butterflies.

The show is witty, and the impersonator takes her work seriously to a point of creating a Twitter account.  twitter.com/verymarykate. "i can’t make it a link so figure it out for yousrelf. prolly just have to cut and paste it into a new tab or something. i mostly don’t use computers much cuz my hand bling chips the keyboard like whoa." says Very Mary-Kate.

She posts videos often, so all VMK fans can keep up to date on MK's adventures.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

The City never sleeps, better slip you an ambien.

Prepare to get Carried away... again.



I had my doubts about the sequel (mainly because Smiley Miley is in it), but judging by this preview, SATC fans are in for a romp.  I can tell there will be plenty of laughs in the sequel, and plenty of insight into the dating/relationships world.  (Everything I know, I learnt from SATC...)

We all assumed that Samantha will get married, but from the looks of it, Carrie's GBF (gay best friend), Stanford is about to walk down the aisle! But to whom? The mystery remains.  The best part about this preview is the fact that the "one that got away": Aidan is BACK!  He was my favourite BF of Carrie's on the show, and I'm beyond excited the hunk is back.  Samantha's hombre is caliente as well, even though I'm still looking forward to a cameo of Giles Marini - aka the Malibu neighbour/showerboy... make that showerMAN.  I would love to see Carrie ditch Big and runaway with Aidan... as long as she keeps that Manhattan closet.

The film kept resident costume designer/stylist Patricia Field on hand, and the outfits are bold and undoubtedly New York. Samantha looks fab in that red jacket with studded shoulders and Miranda is looking fiercer than usual.  I can see Field brought back some of the original wardrobe we fell in love with on the TV show, like Carrie's "J'adore Dior 8" shirt.  Recycling is in!

Charlotte: How are you going to swallow all those?
Samantha: Have we met?

I can't wait till May...

Friday, April 9, 2010

Sperminator Salvation

For my final english essay of the year, I decided to analyze "Adventures in Sex City" as a sexual education manual. Most of this was written at 4am on three pots of coffee... so please excuse its lack of coherence at times... I took this topic pretty seriously, but my dear friend (and fellow student with vampire sleep tendencies) Kai thought my essay was ridiculous.  I acknowledge that I wrote 2 pages on a dude named "Sperminator" so anyways... enjoy (this abridged version).



Videogames are a common pastime for people of all ages.  Adolescents make up a large population of the people who play online games, and the prospect of making a sexual education text in the format of an online game targets that specific audience.  “Adventures in Sex City”, a trivia game, was created by the Middlesex-London Health Unit in Ontario, and was intended to educate a mature youth audience on the risks of unprotected sex.  The characters are unrealistic and comical, there is a lack of education in how to protect oneself, and the game depicts men as being responsible for sexual risks, which is represented by the “Sperminator”.  Adventures in Sex City” reinforces stereotypes of sexuality through the use of provocative imagery; the text fails to establish a reputable ethos, due to its exaggerated and comical representation of sexuality. 
The characters in the game are childish, which diminishes the text’s appeal to its intended mature audience.  There are four characters to choose from when playing this game, and they are all part of the Sex Squad: “An elite team of superheroes dedicated to keeping the citizens of Sex City safe from STIs (sexually transmitted infections).” (Middlesex-London Health Unit)  The vocabulary used to describe the squad is reminiscent of a comic book, except these superheroes are not fighting villains, they are fighting STIs.  Comic books are marketed towards a younger audience, generally males around the age of ten.  However, this sexual education manual is intended for teenagers, and the use of comic-book themes is not age-appropriate. 
            Wonder Vag is one of the characters from the Sex Squad.  Her special power is that she is a human lie detector.  “Wonder Vag is a virgin, believes in true love and promotes abstinence until marriage.” (Middlesex-London Health Unit)  Wonder Vag’s character is a spokesperson for the abstinence method of birth control.  She has blonde hair and large blue eyes, which are features that are associated with purity.  She dresses more modestly than Power Pap (the sexually active female character), which promotes the stereotype that girls who dress conservatively aren’t sexually active.  Wonder Vag has been constructed to symbolize abstinence. 
            However, Captain Condom was created to encourage the use of prophylactics.  Captain Condom is half man, half condom and his superpower includes the ability to stretch to any size like a condom.  He is tall and muscular, and wears a blue unitard with a condom hat.  His character is strong and masculine, and these positive qualities make condoms appealing.  The name “Captain Condom” appears to be satiric, poking fun at other superheroes whose names are alliterations.  The problem with the character’s name is that it elicits a negative response from the audience.  An older adolescent would ridicule the game’s characters because of their childish appearance.  The animation is bright and colourful and does not appeal to an older audience since they are unable to relate to the images and characters.  This tone of the text is exaggerated, and seems as if it is a parody on the superhero genre.  The parody of the superhero genre mocks itself as well, since a mature audience would not take the text, and its cast of cartoon characters seriously. They might feel as if they are being ridiculed by the immature tone of the text, since it has themes and imagery that are associated with young children.  This creates a lack of trust; the audience begins to lose respect for the content of the text, rendering the messages useless.  The credibility of a source is important in education.  “In fact, Levine and Badger (1993) found that the credibility of sources, the use of content that causes fear or warns the learner of a bad consequence, and the way that words emphasize a message, all influence the process of changing attitudes.” (Jensen, 39)  Jensen summarizes how a text’s ethos determines its reception amongst the learner.  “Adventures in Sex City” attempts to change the attitudes of adolescents, and encourages practicing safe sex.  However, this message is eclipsed by the text’s overpowering use of childish imagery.  Since the source’s credibility is undermined, the message isn’t as effective; therefore the “process of changing attitudes” in adolescent sexual behaviour is not successful.
            Secondly, the trivia game uses imagery that attempts to educate, but is unsuccessful at providing all the information, which damages the source’s educational integrity.  When answering a question correctly, the member of the Sex Squad uses a “condom shield” to protect itself from the angry sperm of the Sperminator.  This “shielding” action is a metaphor for condom use, as condoms are a barrier method used to protect against sexual risks.  This representation illustrates how condoms protect against STIs and pregnancy, but it does not elaborate on their effectiveness and how to use them.  This is a major concept that is missing from this sexual education manual.  The producers of the text chose to include facts about sexual risk, but do not offer any educational reinforcements on the usage of birth control.  The game’s value as an educational text is diminished because the applicability of the message is not presented to the audience.  The ethos of the game suffers, because the text does not provide a complete education on how to protect oneself against sexual risks. 

            Lastly, the Sperminator embodies sexual risk, associating males with those dangers; the gender stereotypes produced by this villain damages the text’s credibility.  The Sperminator is the villain of the game and was intended by the producers of the game to incite fear of sexual risk.  The Sperminator is very large in comparison to the other characters, which makes him seem intimidating, and gives him more power.  At the end of the game, when he is defeated, he becomes smaller in size, therefore losing his power.  The Sperminator wears red shorts and a red Mexican wrestler mask.  Red is a colour associated with aggression, and his rage is apparent through his dialogue of angry grunts and growls.  Red can also be associated as the colour for HIV/AIDS.  The wrestler mask shields his identity, making him less relatable and likeable to the audience, but is also a symbol for a fighter.  “The Sperminator was once part of the sex squad.  He got infected with an STI, went untreated and now his goal is to infect everyone with his evil sperm…” (Middlesex-London Health Unit). The Sperminator shoots threatening sperm from his hands that are shaped like penises.  This image is very provocative and carries a lot of negative connotation.  It elicits shock from the audience, as the image of the penis hands is comical and absurd.  The Sperminator associates sexual risk with men, which misinforms the audience about who can carry STIs.  The Sperminator’s “goal” is to infect everyone with his “evil” sperm.  This presents another social issue, as it stereotypes people with STIs.  “HIV-related stigma leads to fear of HIV disclosure, social rejection, inadequate social support, suicidal thoughts, decreased self-esteem, and depression.  HIV-related stigma also may be a factor in determining lack of support in these individuals.” (Grant, Keitner & Prachakul, 68).  The text promotes the ideology that someone with an STI has the malicious intent to infect as many people as possible.  This associates a negative perspective on people that are suffering from diseases like HIV, and does not educate acceptance and tolerance among youth.  HIV-related stigma causes a lot of social problems that isolate people living with HIV from the rest of society.  The representation of sexual risks in this text produces a very narrow perspective on who carries STIs which promotes the stereotypes that exist in society.  This depiction of sexual risk is a detriment to the text’s credibility as it misinforms the audience.  The Sperminator’s character is absurd and offensive, which further isolates the learner from trusting the messages presented in the text.
            “Adventures in Sex City” is unsuccessful of establishing an educational tone, due to its use of exaggerated and comical imagery.  The characters are childish and are not relatable, the text neglects to fully educate the audience on prevention, and the villain of the game is an absurd illustration of sexual risk.  “Adventures in Sex City” appears to be a parody of superhero video games and sexual education manuals.  However, the online trivia game is serious in its intention to educate youth and promote prevention and testing.  Unfortunately, no one can take a villain who shoots sperm out of penis hands seriously, and the text loses its integrity due to the ridicule from the audience.  

Friday, March 12, 2010

Why I love Betty White.

It's official.  Betty White will host SNL on May 8th.  As her facebook page (which was started by fans, not her) nears 500 000 members, White has finally agreed to host the sketch comedy show, and I have a feeling we will be seeing a lot more of her soon.


This past year alone, White has appeared in the massive comedy The Proposal and starred in a Snickers Superbowl ad.



White gives us that self-depricating humour.  She isn't afraid to make fun of herself or put herself into a negative light.  My favourite White incarnation was when she starred as Rose on the hit sitcom, Golden Girls.  I watch the show religiously, and since it was brought back for re-runs on TVTropolis, I've been glued to the boobtube at 2pm or 5pm every weekday.

This is one of my favourite scenes from the series:


Dorothy (Bea Arthur) and Blanche (Rue McClanahan) poke fun at Rose


The Golden Girls gives us raw dialogue, and four old ladies that haven't given up on having fun.  They're the Sex and the City gals of Florida, no doubt.



White was offered the host spot years ago, but declined it.  "Years ago, I turned it down three times.  It's so New York, and I'm not New York at all.  But my agent said he'd divorce me if I didn't do it, and I love my agent," says White.  I can't wait to see what White will bring to the table to SNL.  It's about time they have more diverse hosts in an older age group.  I've grown kind of sick watching Taylor Swift (painfully) act.  White is a seasoned comedienne that will surely bring in the ratings and the laughs.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Worst Dressed...

Ahh the Red Carpet. When you're a movie star, you have every designer and stylist at your beckon call, yet for some reason, every year we see many unfortunate startlets walk down the red carpet in outfits that are less than flattering.

The Worst: Carey Mulligan. After praising her in my previous posts, I was thoroughly disappointed with this ensemble (can you believe it's Prada!?). The bodice of the dress is very elegant. The sweetheart neckline suits her, but the short cut in the front is awkward as Mulligan isn't exactly blessed with legs like Gisele. To make matters worse, Mulligan opts to cut off the leg line by choosing chunky black heels that cut off her legs even more. She could have pulled it off better in nude platforms or thin silver, strappy sandals. In the end, I would have preferred to see Mulligan in a fresher, livelier colour that would make her look like the young star she is on the carpet.

I don't know who keeps inviting Miley Cyrus to the Oscars. She is no longer relevant. Even 13 year olds stopped listening to her music. In the past, Cyrus has wowed us on the red carpet with her unconventional (and never age appropriate) gowns. This year, she decided to play it safe, and this Jenny Packham dress. It looks extremely tight on her and is a little too grown up, in my opinion...
Ohhh Amanda Seyfried. Doesn't this dress look familiar? Oh yea, because JLO was wearing practically the same thing. The Armani Prive dress isn't exactly the same, but it's close enough. I think it's time to fire your stylist Amanda, this is a worst nightmare come true. (yet for some reason, Amanda is on the worst dressed lists, while Jlo is on the best...)

I love Meryl... don't get me wrong. BUT... it looks like she's wearing a Chris March designer bathrobe. It's simple, yes. It's elegant, yes. But we've seen this look before... time to shake it up (take some lessons from Helen Mirren... that old hag is FIERCE!)

Kate Winslet... your Tiffany necklace may cost $2.5 million dollars, and you may be wearing YSL... but this dress is just disappointing. The silver is space-age and almost tacky... there's just something off-putting in general with the way the corset gives way to the flowy skirt. It's as awkward as the sentences I used to describe it.

We've learned some lessons watching the red carpet this year:
  • Avoid silver body-hugging dresses
  • Verify that no one else (especially a bigger star) is wearing the same dress as you
  • Dress age-appropriately
  • Don't ruin an outfit with clunky shoes that aren't that nice to begin with.


Monday, March 1, 2010

On the Wings of Love.

The season finale of The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love is the female oriented equivalent of Sunday's hockey game. Millions of people tuned in too see who Jake Pavelka, a pilot from Texas would choose. In the end, Pavelka decided to choose physical chemistry over emotional connection by selecting Vienna, and even proposed to her. Lucky bitch.

It was heartbreaking to see sweet Tenley get let go. I'm not going to bash Vienna (again) but hopefully Tenley and the other bachelorettes will move on to bigger and better things. Let Jake have the swamp creature from the Floridian Everglades.

Friday, February 26, 2010

My Death by Detox

This isn't my actual obituary. I'm still alive and kicking...For reporting class, we had to write our OWN obituaries. I took this assignment with a grain of salt and decided to have fun with it. I hope to see you all at my afterparty tonight!

Natalie Svetlana Ast, 18, a journalism student and aspiring model died yesterday from drinking too much water. Ms. Ast died of water intoxication, at 11 p.m. last night after going on a detox diet.

Despite her young age, Ms. Ast was known in her community as a vibrant personality and an avid dancer and artist. She started ballet lessons at the age of four and grew into a multi-disciplinary dancer studying flamenco, tango and jazz. She was a Rising Star semi-finalist two years in a row and had the opportunity to dance at the Canadian National Exhibition. As an artist, Ms. Ast would paint and draw, influenced by her late grandfather who was a painter. She formed her high school’s art council and two of her original murals hang on the school walls.

She displayed a love of life and volunteered at many charities, such as the Santa Clause Parade and numerous animal charities. She wanted to develop her humanitarian efforts by being part of the Miss Universe Canada pageant. She was a GTA and Central Ontario finalist, and competed in a pageant in late November 2009 amongst 43 other girls.

Throughout her life, Ms. Ast grew up surrounded by animals. She cared for many pets, while also volunteering at shelters and animal hospitals. It was a dream of hers to own an alpaca farm, and her parents are converting their cottage in the Kawarthas into a hobby farm in memory of their daughter.

Ms. Ast loved to travel and experience different cultures, and aspired to become a fashion journalist. She was a first year journalism student at Ryerson University while juggling a modeling career and dance classes.

Ms. Ast’s funeral will take place on Friday Feb. 12, at York Cemetery. Since life was one huge party for her, an after party will take place in her honour at Wetbar on Richmond Street later that evening.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

My Little Pony meets Wicked


Words cannot describe how I feel about this musical. I saw this drunk first time around, and my friends and I couldn't stop laughing. There are real people inside those costumes, and yet the ponies are lifelike and emotive throughout the performance. Imagine this high on acid. Can't wait for the show to come to Toronto.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Hit the G-Spot... or scroll through it

This mouse is called the G-Spot. It's not much of a mystery why...

The mouse (obviously) resembles a vadge. Brought to you by Andy Kurovets, it is definitely a statement on your desktop. (Imagine the reaction of your coworkers!) The "special button" in the centre ;) shortcuts you to your favourite webpage or program. I can't decide if the computer mouse is clever or trying too hard. I recommend this product for men, you might as well learn some valuable interpersonal skills while playing Warcraft.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Vienna waits for you...

One of my favourite topics of conversation is The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love. I admit to this guilty pleasure... I take great joy in watching other people fall in love with several different women with dubious backgrounds.



Over the course of this season, we follow Jake Pavelka, a commercial pilot who's searching for his co-pilot, or alternatively, someone's landing strip to land his plane on. On paper, Jake is your typical hottie, but as I continue to watch the show, his questionable taste in women and turtlenecks are making me think otherwise. There were a few standouts like the gorgeous model, Gia (who is clearly the next Bachelorette) and Allie, who were unfortunately let go.

The most interesting character on the show is Vienna Girardi. Hailing from Sanford, Florida, she is an elusive creature that crawled out of the Everglades. I will outline my case, with the help of a few pictures (courtesy of Usweekly.com)

Figure 1.0 - Vienna is a ho


This photo from a Calendar shoot (she's definitely not Miss July material) says it all... She is clad in nothing but a Burberry scarf. (I'm betting it's fake to boot!)

Figure 2.0 - Vienna is a major Diva
"Slow down, you crazy child, you're so ambitious for a juvenile." - Billy Joel. I couldn't resist throwing in this GEM of a pic. Really Jake... do you want your future kids to look like this? Not to mention her antics on the show... and her ex-boyfriend whom she was obsessed with during the taping of the show. No one deserves drama like that.

Figure 3.0 - Vienna is an "ex"-Hooters Girl


Vienna worked at this clASSy establishment (her face is circled)... but judging by the previous picture, we would assume that she wouldn't have the ahem... "assets" to qualify there. Girardi allegedly drained $5000 from her ex-husband (!! i don't recall her being a divorcee mentioned on the show!), Josh Riley's bank account while he was overseas in Iraq.

So much for a Dear-John type romance.

Jake, Vienna may "wait for you" but she might leave you, and steal $5000 to get those puppies upgraded.

If a man doesn't do a quadruple jump, then he is not a man


A wise man by the name of Evgeni Plushenko once said, "If a man doesn't do a quadruple jump, then he is not a man." Kind of ironic, coming from a man clad in a unitard adorned with rhinestones.

Plushenko's arrogant interview sounded like it was part of the script from Blades of Glory, and judging by the men's short program last night, the world is in for a treat. I predict drama, excellent skating, and Plushenko fighting to defend his title as an Olympian.

After a three year absence in the skating world, Plushenko wowed the crowd and judges with a score of 90.85. Plushenko felt 'sick' and wasn't up to his own standards. Let's hope he can pull through to Thursday!

I'm always rooting for the home team, but in skating it's all about the Russians. Plushenko, don't let the Japanese get you, YOU'RE THE MAN! (thanks to your quads)

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

How to Survive a Cold...

Wiarton Willy told us there was going to be six more weeks of winter. This means six more weeks of bone-chilling temperatures, and the potential to succumb to germs all around us. Last week, I became a victim of some evil bacterium... For four days and counting, I've been trying to get rid of it (it's reading week after all).

Item #1 - Breathe Right Strips
Although these things might make you look like Heidi Montag, they are a life saver. They don't contain any drugs (some are coated with menthol, if you need it) but merely open up your nasal passages so you can breathe better. Wear them to bed, or all day to help you breathe and save your throat from getting sore.

Item #2 - Vick's Vapour Rub
mmmm... the scent of menthol. Apply a thin layer before going to bed on your throat and back, magically, you won't be awakened by the urge to cough in the middle of the night. The smell is a bit strong, but it grows on you, even though you kind of turn into a greasy Christmas tree.

Item #3 - Day Time TV
Now whether this involves transvetites on the Tyra Show or titties on Springer, letting your brain turn to mush is an essential part to getting on the road to recovery. You're sick, screw concentrating. (Discovery channel is only allowed if it's Mythbusters or something with as many explosions)

Item #4 - Chicken Soup
People have claimed this to be "Jewish Penicillin"... I don't really know about that claim, or why chicken soup would be considered jewish (considering the stuff we eat out of Campbell's is matzo-ball free...sadly) but it works. The warm broth instantly clears sinuses, while administering a healthy dose of fluids. Too bad I can't taste it.

Item #5 - Complaining
You're sick after all... why not take advantage of this time and make everyone feel as useless as your physical strength. Give yourself complete license to throw a diva fit and demand for discontinued lozenge lollipops. Bitch about being sick to your friends, bitch about being sick to your followers, bitch about being sick on your blog (sorry guys...) or bitch about the humidity level until your family members turn your living room into a 16x20 area with the climate of a Brazillian jungle. I know it's bad to take out your misery on loved ones, but you can get away with it.

Get better, until then, I will be tweeting about who's (or who isn't...) the daddy on the Maury show.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Thoughts on Valentine's Day




Valentine's Day. Those two words, and their meaning can incite fear, anxiety and panic into some people. To others, the words bring back recollections of fond, fuzzy memories (mostly mushy).

I have to admit to the fact that I have always been a hater of the "Hallmark" holiday. I always seem to be single around this time (correlation?) and in elementary school, the stress of giving and receiving Valentines was enough to cause premature pattern baldness; I love my hair too much.

As young kids, we would send Valentines with Disney or Barbie characters to everyone in the class. We made doilie heart cards for our mommies and daddies and we ate cinnamon hearts. Then, grade four came, and so did the shift in our tendencies. From that point forward, we became selective with who we send our Valentines; and who we send our metaphorical love to. For some unknown reason, the bitter cinnamon hearts are still consumed.

The film, Valentine's Day, starring 60% of Hollywood attempts to shed a light on the highs and lows of the tumultuous day for relationships. Many people get engaged, break-up or drown their sorrows in a pint of Ben & Jerry's on this day. So much stress is put on a day that was originally created to honour a Saint, who was giving and passionate about people.

This Valentine's Day, I urge everyone to return to grade one. Spend this February 14 by sharing love with everyone. Or come to the cinema with me to see Wolfman...just don't eat too much chocolate. Your thighs will thank me later.
Related Posts with Thumbnails